New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
