who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
