Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
