I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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