She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
