one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
