My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
