i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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