dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
