i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
