I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize