My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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