Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
