Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
