Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
