Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
