"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
