so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
