If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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