Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
