He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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