i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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