my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Found the puke drawer
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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