Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
