My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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