Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
