I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
