It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
