where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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