I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
