My liver just broke up with me...
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
