At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize