I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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