So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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