My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
