We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
