so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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