Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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