she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
