I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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