I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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