I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
