Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Semen is not good for contacts.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
