I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
