I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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