After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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