and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize