I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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