im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
