Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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