So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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