while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
