take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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