Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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