I have demons in me.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she told me i tasted like america
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
