She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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