Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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