I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just pee around me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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