I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
