At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
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